We see it on talk shows, we see it on the streets—people are talking, or rather screaming, at each other and over each other. This is not dialogue. This is not peaceful dialogue. This is not even debate. It is not even communication. I don’t even know what this is, except maybe drama content.
If this wouldn’t be a problem, I would not feel the need to make such a video.
Look, we can all be passionate about an issue. I understand that there are a lot of things going on in the world all the time that make us feel like we want to scream at somebody. We want to scream at the world. We want to just let it out. So I get that.
There are also times when we feel there are such injustices happening that we want to make ourselves heard. But what do we want to achieve with this? Is this about us? Do we want to be seen as outraged, as committed? Is this virtue signaling? Or do we actually want to change something?
Do we want to be labeled as peaceful, as nonviolent? If we are protesting, do we want to be called peaceful protesters? But what is peaceful protesting?
When you stand somewhere and scream so that no one understands what you’re saying, what have you achieved? If you’re so loud that the other person you may be talking to can’t get a word in, what have you achieved?
Why Are We Speaking?
Do we want to communicate? Do we want people to listen? Because if you scream, you act like a bully. Whether you are right or wrong, it has nothing to do with whether you are right or wrong—it is about how you’re being perceived.
If you scream at people, they may actually indeed go silent. Do you think you have achieved your result? No. They may be bullied into not speaking up. They may appear as if they’re not countering your argument. They may appear as if defeated, and it may appear as though you have won. You have not won.
Because they may very well not change their mind. They will remember the experience of having been screamed at from now on. They will ignore you. They will think of you as the problem. And they will not side with you just because of this experience.
So what will you have achieved? Nothing. Or even worse, the opposite. The louder you scream, the more you may create resentment.
The Problem with Shouting
Ironically, many of those who scream say that words are violence. Well, words can have a very violating effect. It’s not the same as physical violence, but if you think they’re violence, then the way you talk to other people and the kinds of words you’re using may also have a violent effect on others. They may create victims too. Even if you think the other side does not have a right to feel like victims—and this is not a political sides issue, this goes for everybody.
If you scream, it makes you look ridiculous, or may make you look ridiculous. It creates good television. It creates good attention. You will be on the news. You will have your moment of fame. But will you convince others? No.
So what do you want? Do you want to change hearts and minds? Do you want to move an issue forward? Then you probably need to pick a style of communication that actually can succeed in convincing others. That’s all it is.
The Challenge of Real Communication
But it’s not that easy. If you want to convince others, you need to know how they’re thinking. And you can’t limit yourself to these caricatures of what others might be thinking.
The danger that many may think exists is that you actually need to listen to others before—or maybe during—you talk to them. Because only when you know what the others are really thinking, what they are really saying, only then will you be able to adjust your communication strategy to them.
If all you’re doing is addressing an oversized, outsized scarecrow version—a strawman version—of the other side, you will not succeed. We’ve seen this in politics. We’ve seen this in many countries. By not listening to the other side, you’re not addressing what their real concerns are. By labeling them something that they are not, and that they don’t seem to be, that they don’t see themselves to be, you’re not convincing anybody.
Again, this is not left or right. This is a problem on many sides.
A Better Way Forward
This complicates matters. Now you can’t just go out there with conviction. Yes, you can. But you can communicate by saying, “This issue is important to me. Please listen. I’m willing to listen to you, too. We need to work things out. Let’s treat each other as human beings.”
And if the situation doesn’t allow for that, there will be later situations that will allow for that. Life is short, but not that short, normally. And if you’re in a situation that demands immediate action, well, that’s probably not the time to talk about an issue anyway.
This is why, within democratic theory, tools have been developed to get people together—to get people in a room together, virtual or real—to let people speak, to give them a lot of time, to let people speak and finish, and then you can have a counter speech.
But what you can’t do, if you want to succeed, is violate all norms of communication. You may feel good about it, but that’s all.
[This was originally posted to YouTube as a video. This post is a slightly abbreviated transcript, preserving the oral style of the video.]
Erratic Attempts 