there’s a feeling rising up from somewhere deep inside
the strangest sensation: intense, and yet gentle, a realization, for sure, of something I’ve already known and yet don’t care to face all the time
the silliest thing, it’s so banal, it is so trivial, it is so utterly devoid of any originality and still so rarely truly expressed
we live our lives in constant quite anticipation of something to come, of something to happen, of some form of meaning to emerge to transform to fulfill the way we are
seek pleasure we seek happiness seek plain fulfillment everything thus we: how grand a happiness we might achieve and last it will forever more
how sweet such hope and yet how shallow yet how vain yet how dangerous and plain
to see what’s here is all we need: is all we must:
for while the future needs be tended for its seeds are sowed quite in the now ideally, since yesteryear and all we need is to proceed
but future’s work and past’s achievement lies in the here lies in the now:
and if we can’t face what lies beneath if empty we fear ourselves to be no future will fill it and wither we will
for life is bracketed by death so clearly in all its morbid obscenity so unavoidably and brazenly and undeniably just so
we come from nothing we’ll go to nothing your hope will be a hope against nothing or a hope that in this nothingness nirvana lies, not emptiness:
but still it’s not for us to know to hope, believe, aspire, yes: but know we can’t
and thus the only thing remaining lies in the now lies in the here so if you lie about your inner self right here and if you hope just ‘gainst the truth you’ll nowhere go and nowhere be and nowhere will you see what all you have what all is here in the here in the now awaiting a future tender and fragile; but more so, a present that’s real, not just passing:
‘tis just another way of saying, life is short, I know and yet this moment this saddest feeling this saddest knowing had to be meditated upon had not to be passed over just too eas’ly so or unthinkingly
this night this night of all like every night time passes by life passes by like a thief in the night: you better know you better have done what necessary was: you better hope that there is substance in your life while you are meditating on the abyss of death you need to focus on life which is given meaning today and only today and in all the todays still coming till meaning is given by death finally
but today you will remember the oppression of days past to ensure that none such oppression will ever return but today you will remember the promise of days yet to come to ensure that this promise will be there for all but today tonight you will sleep, hopefully, knowing that if time, if time, if time had decided that your work now be completed, then today would be a good day to see an end to your suffering and a beginning to the closing of your days
if not today, if not tomorrow, then sure another day
but today it is today it is today it is time to just be just be and be just to yourself and your love
Corvallis, October 13th, 2019 – January 12th, 2020 – P#725
come, all doubts and questions come now at the hour of the wolf at the time of sleepless terrors logic drifting into dreams so shallow that some thinking still remains yet all reason here is lost
failures fill this time of torments symbols chase around in madness and the mind, this strangest fellow, cannot see a forward way: goes astray, and fear takes over: how I wish for sleep’s own brother
doors appear that cannot open writing will escape my view as I try to scribble something I’m aware it is for naught: dreams too lucid to be soothing for a monster lurks inside
come now though, I did invite you just by needing rest and sleep my foolish need to stay alive invites this torture evermore: insomnia’s too nice a word for this here spectacle at hand
and as I drift and drift now further all that’s hidden gets revealed (quidquid latet, apparebit): yes, this is a requiem yes, this is the day of wrath where fear beats logic every night
and when I lay me down to sleep I’d hope the Lord my soul to keep: but holds dominion here at night quite something else that broke my soul: so should I die before I wake I don’t know who my soul will take.
